Bordeaux Giscours
Saturday October 4 in Bordeaux Match tied Strollers 165-8
(20 overs; Wall 54no, Pittams 53no, Travis 18)
Chateaux Giscours 165-4
(20 overs; Macaulay 2-32, Broster-Turley 1-15, Le Serve 1-16)
Dark clouds and steady rain couldn’t dampen the spirits of
the occupants of the giant black Renault Trafic autobus I was conducteuring
to Chateau Giscours on the Saturday morning of 2025’s French Tour.
This was probably in equal parts due to serious vibes being
created by1998 Vengaboys banger We Like to Party playing on loop, and
last year’s tourists’ recollection of how good Giscours’ hospitality is
(cricket or no cricket, a good time would be had by all!).
Sure enough, we arrived to the sight of a table the size of
a football penalty area, groaning with wine, beer and foie gras. Skipper for
the day Aidan Selby quickly acquainted himself with Giscours captain Mr
Ferreira, agreeing that tea would be taken immediately and we would hope to
play a 20-over match later with the weather forecast to clear around 3pm.
Selby was wearing his blazer with both buttons done up, and
appear to be acting in a more statesmanlike manner than usual – one suspects he
felt that by showing strong enough leadership for the Strollers he might put
his best foot forward for the vacant position of French Prime Minister…“Don’t
call us Aidan, we’ll call you”.
With Bledisloe Cup action to be watched and delicious
beverages and comestibles available, many of the Strollers gathered happily
around Wall’s (by now greasy foie gras-fingerprinted) iPad to watch the rugby.
By the time the non-playing tour party members (who were 20 more in number than
the playing corps of the group – a truly momentous feat of travel planning from
Jo et Jim!) returned from their wine tasting up at the chateau, spirits were
particularly high.
Rosalophagus Jack, Aaron Walder and Naomi Selby were making
particularly strong efforts to get through the available wine, while the Kiwi
rugby fans were happy with a close-fought win (albeit one dominated by James
Dela Rue nemesis and all round pompous, officious and thoroughly
defenestratable bloke Matthew Carly). Australian Frenchman Jack Le Serve
(albeit feeling more like a French Australian since landing in Bordeaux the
previous day) was perhaps less thrilled about the state of affairs – as was the
Salt and Pepper Princess Rob Wall, who had stuffed his face with so much foie
gras that he could by this point be heard moaning ‘oh, my poor gout’, while
clutching his foot.
Siena Porter-Wall and ‘Sobel Pittams-Smith lack both the
brains and educated palates of their Daddies, so satisfied themselves with
banana and as many of the small stones in the chateau courtyard as they could
sneak into their mouths (the fools).
Right on schedule the weather began to clear, so the
gathered party decamped to the very scenic cricket field. Selby negotiated to
bat first in a 20-over game on a still very wet artificial wicket. Travis,
looking nearly as green as the lush and waterlogged outfield (one suspects he
consumed considerably more beverages the night before than he normally
would of a Friday evening), accompanied Pittams to open the batting, leaving 29
gathered Strollers on the sideline with liquid refreshments to cheer their boys
on.
The tour party was not particularly impressed with the
early run rate being achieved by Pittams and Travis, judging by the raucous
advice to retire themselves out coming from the sideline. Doing their best to
hit the ball harder and more cleanly through the tears in their eyes at these
harsh jibes, Travis and Pittams concurred that now they understood how Rory
McIlroy must have felt at Bethpage during the recent Ryder Cup.
After bringing up a half-century inclusive of three lusty
maxima, Pittams was yanked, swapping both places and protective boxes with
first drop HRH Rob Wall of Salt and Pepperiness. Wall proceeded to notch up an
unbeaten half-century of his own, featuring no fewer than four lusty
maxima! Impressed, the gathered crowd were heard pondering what exactly about
Pittams’ beloved protective equipment had rubbed off on Wall to make him bat so
uncharacteristically unstodgily? Unrelated (or is it?) Siena and Sobel were
having a whale of a time playing on the boundary.
Blair was bowled by Finn for 18, leaving him still 15
runs adrift of 1,000 for the season with just one innings remaining in which to
acquire them. Would he notch up the requisite boulanger’s half-dozen plus two
tomorrow against Damazan? Return to the match reports section (likely in about
three months when Freddie finally files his) to find out!
Blair’s dismissal precipitated a flurry of action in the
middle. Neil Hartley (‘Petit Neil’) unfurled a Peter McGlashan-esque array of
sweeps both conventional and reverse before being bowled by impressive leg-spinner
Sotthey. Glen Oliver was in and then out again, undone by a skiddy straight one
– from impressive leg spinner Sotthey.
This forced Jonny Waugh to cease curling his imaginary
Hercule Poirot moustache while trying to get to the bottom of the mystery of
who had broken into his and ‘Rederick ‘The Brooster’ Broster-Turley’s room the
night before and bopped them both on the head to leave them feeling so worse
for wear that morning, and also vomited in their sink – and get to the middle.
Early on he seemed to fancy that he had heard an
inspirational cry of ‘TALLY HOOOOOOOO!!!!!’ from Monsieur le Capitaine and
charged at the bowler with the sort of speed usually associated with Peter Wood
at a tea table. When approximately three-quarters of the way down the pitch, Jonny
converted all of the momentum from his burst of kinetic energy into a lusty
swing of the bat, apparently aiming to despatch the ball out of the Margaux
appellation and into the Haut-Medoc. Instead, the bat slipped out of his hands
and looped high over the head of mid-on.
By now Jonny’s momentum had taken him past the umpire and
halfway to the straight boundary, and he would have been almost certain to be
stumped had captain-keeper Ferreira not been doubled over in laughter. Ferriera
need not have worried, as the ball took middle stump and Jonny was on his way –
bowled by impressive leg-spinner Sotthey.
The French Australian Jack Le Serve was busy with a series
of twos, much to the chuntering displeasure of old gouty mcgoutface Rob Wall
and his sore foot at the other end, before his stay was ended for seven.
Neale Mulholland (‘Grand Neale’), like Le Serve, feels very
comfortable on the continent. Grand Neale, as many readers will already know,
is such an accomplished car salesman that he recently moved from London to
Brussels in order to challenge himself more in his career (as everyone knows,
Belgium lead all of the EU metrics relating to car sale degree of difficulty –
‘Most difficult to sell cars to’, ‘Least decisive about large automobile
purchases’, ‘Most vehicle lease contracts per capita’ – etc).
At home in Brussels, equally at home in Bordeaux it turned
out, as Grand Neale made a career-best 14 runs. Highlights included his
fastidious de-follicling of the team box before loping out to bat, and the
first six of his cricketing life! An almost indescribably lusty straight blow
that carried at least 25 years beyond the boundary. As the gathered crowd
ooohed, aaaahed, oh-la-laa’d and vocally admired the length of his levers,
Laura Shuck – more than used to the power of Grand Neale’s long levers – arched
an eyebrow knowingly.
Freddie ‘Redddie’ Brooster-Turley lasted just a single
delivery, bowled by a fast yorker from Finn, much to the chagrin of Oliver who
had carted ‘Red’s enormous 97kg cricket bag full of batting equipment from
London to Bordeaux for him. One would be surprised if Glen is not itemising –
even as I write this – an extensive invoice for The BROOOSTER, inclusive of a
sum to cover the damage incurred to his rear axle while hauling such heavy
cargo, and at least €23 worth of fuel consumed due to additional drag.
Selby arrived at the crease and caused a raucous cheer from
the crowd when he bunted one to mid-off and set off on a bullocking, Waka
Nathan-esque run to the other end – insodoing bringing up his first run on a
French tour since 2018!
Wall thereafter sensibly protected Selby from the strike by
running byes through to the keeper. There remained time for Wall to retire, Jim
Hodgson to head out to the middle only to receive the same treatment as ‘Red
‘The BROOOOOSTER of all BROOOOOSTERS’ Broster-Turley, and Wall to return to the
middle (crucially not having touched or removed the hallowed protective box)
before the innings was concluded on a competitive 165-8. Extraordinarily – all
eight dismissals were bowled!
Selby entrusted Red Forman Brooster-Turley-Wurley and the
French Australian with the new ball, and both picked up an economical wicket
apiece. Broosty-Woosty-Turley-Wurley with an edge gobbled up by Blair (who
probably wished he had gobbled more baguette and charcuterie the night before
to soak up slightly more alcohol), and Le Serve with AN ABSOLUTE BRUTE of
a delivery that reared from back of a length on the now dry artificial, and
which Giscours opener Rob McHugh could only splice back for Le Serve to take a
confidently owned and never in doubt return catch.
Jim and Glen replaced the openers, and it was around this
time that Wall grew tired of having to run around on the boundary stopping
balls on his sore and gouty foot, so pretended to twist his ankle in a phantom
rabbithole (at a time he really should have been taking a simple catch off the
bowling of Hodgson).
The fallen Salt and Pepper Princess supplemented his
theatrics by remaining prostrate on the ground for about 45 seconds, with circa
90% of his expansive right buttock, and at least 15% of the equally ample left
on display due to a simultaneous trouser malfunction. When eventually he was
charitably helped up by two Giscours lower order bats, and Pittams had jogged
across with a stick to enable Wall's trousers to be levered up without needing
to touch the aforementioned meaty expanses, Wall was assisted back to a
comfortable looking chair in the sun with the rest of the Strollers.
When just seconds later he had a glass of Giscours in hand,
and had co-opted Tricia Taylor and Louise Ward to fan him with palm fronds, it
was all too clear to the rest of the team that there was no rabbithole at all.
There had never been one. Wall’s self-inflicted gout was bothering him and he
fancied a break. Well played Princess…well played.
Jim bowled better than his figures suggest, while Giscours No
4 Nomi took a liking to Glen’s offerings, after which new bowlers in the form
of Alastair Macaulay and Grand Neale were invited to repondez s’il vous plait
to the captain’s invitation to roll the arm over. Both said ‘oui’.
Macaulay managed to break the promising partnership of 69
between Finn and Nomi, bowling one and having the other smartly stumped by
Johnson Waugh – Stair’s 598th and 599th wickets for the
club. When he induced a skied shot to Glen at long-on, we all thought the 600
milestone was dans le sac. However, Glen’s normally safe hands failed him and
Stair was left stranded for at least another day. Would he raise the ‘stone
tomorrow at Damazan? You’ll just have to wait for the match report to find out!
And if that’s too much suspense for you, next year you can just join the tour
party and see it all first hand.
While the Strollers' catching was off its usual
ropey standard, we were also guilty of a fair few (possibly just our usual
number, but it maybe felt like more due to the shortened innings?) comical
overthrows. Throughout my Strollers career I have diligently taken 'mental
videos' of these occurrences, and It remains my fervent ambition to one day
convert these richly detailed memories into a thoroughly hilarious film.
Significant technological advances will be needed, so until
then it is important that I frequently replay all the classics in my mind so
that I don't forget them. This does mean that I spend more time
with my eyes closed picturing Aidan Selby than I would strictly like, but these
are the sacrifices we make in the name of #contentcreation.
Oliver and Red Forman the BROOOOOOSTER of all BROOOOOSTERS
Broostily-Woostily Turley-McWurley returned with Giscours requiring 21 from the
final three overs, and bowled very well to amend the equation to three needed
from the final delivery to win (or two to tie).
Glen ambled in and lanced down a wide full toss which
Giscours skipper Ferreira lashed towards the cover boundary. Pittams ambled
towards le ballon with urgency, as a run-out appeared to be on the cards to
secure a Strollers win. Unfortunately, Pittams then threw le ballon about four
yards over wicketkeeper Waugh’s head, rendering a runout highly unlikely. Only
the presence of mind of Le Serve backing up with an athletic dive (he considers
any day of cricket that doesn’t feature an athletic dive to be wasted)
reminiscent of a young Chantelle Newbery saved four overthrows and prevented a
loss.
With no provision in Selby and Ferreira’s pre-match
negotiations for a super over, the match finished as a tie in warm fading sun.
A fitting result for a wonderful game of cricket that this scribe in particular
would have eaten his chapeau at the prospect of in the rain and gloom several
hours earlier.
Enormous thanks go to Giscours for hosting us and playing
an enjoyable game in wonderful spirit, umpires Rupert (Giscours), Tom Wood, Tom
Salvesen and Brian Taylor, the Hodgson-Perrin travel agency, and of course
Madame President Maggie Patson for keeping a typically impeccable book.
Capt: Aidan Selby. Wkt: Jonny Waugh.
Match report: Mike Pittams.
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